In the Direction of the Sun by Lucy J. Madison

Author:Lucy J. Madison [Madison, Lucy J.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781943353651
Google: iUhPMQAACAAJ
Barnesnoble:
Goodreads: 33514300
Publisher: Sapphire Books Publishing
Published: 2017-03-15T03:00:00+00:00

Chapter Eighteen

September 9, 2014 5:38 p.m.

Bear Mountain, New York

Dear Cate:

A few days ago, the thought actually occurred to me that I was finally over you. I felt like I was moving on without you. Then the ghost of you that I have concocted in the deep recesses of my heart reappeared after a prolonged absence and I am reminded once again that I will never be free of you because my heart has put down roots and no amount of pulling will ever tear me away. I’m so angry with you. So incredibly angry and today the well of anger overflowed and poured out of me with an intensity that scared me. I’m here at Bear Mountain where I thought everything would be peaceful and beautiful. If I look around me, it is all of that and more, but the outside isn’t a mirror to what’s inside of me.

Early this morning while the sun was sliding up over the horizon and the night-light stars were turning off, I dreamed of you. I was leaning over a fence looking out at the water with a friend next to me. You appeared to my left and said, “Hi, Alex.” I turned my head, recognizing your voice, and I jumped, startled to see you so close to me. You smiled that smile that sends shivers down my spine even at the memory of it. Then, you kissed me. I felt your lips on mine. I felt your tongue. I felt your breath. I felt your body. And when I opened my eyes, I whispered to you, still so close to your face, “Please tell me this isn’t a dream.” You smiled mysteriously. In my heart I wanted so much to believe this moment was real between us. I knew I was asleep, but I hoped I was not. Then I opened my eyes and you vanished, like you always do, the exact moment when I want to reach out and touch you the most.

Part of me hopes this dream was a message that your soul sent to mine. Part of me wonders if it’s just my imagination conjuring up the ghost of who I hope you are and how I hope you feel. Either way, you are an apparition in my daily life, fading in and out of view, fading in and out of my consciousness as moments pass by without you.

Time is passing and this lifetime is slipping away. I am aware of it each night when I lay my head down that I am one day further into my life with one less day to spend with you. The hourglass of my life has reached its halfway point and the moments that pass by without you weigh more and more heavily upon me because there are fewer moments left in my life.

I want to say I will wait for you forever, but I am painfully aware that forever is not a promise I am capable of keeping because this body, this lifetime, is not infinite and I cannot make time stop, even for you.

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